for the anonymous reader in California….

It is pouring rain on thursday night and after a long day at engine room audio followed by a rehearsal with my friend Kevin Waite for his show tomorrow and a train ride home, I am now at my desk, drinking my sleepytime tea and staring out of the window through the rain soaked screen into the lights of manhattan.  I knew that it was going to be warm today so I only wore a t-shirt and jeans and my favorite coat when I left the house this morning…being oblivious of the weather, I had no idea it would be raining now.  I bought my coat a year and a half ago when I was at home for Christmas and went thrift store shopping with joe.  Apparently the thrift store in Summerville where we went is no longer there which is a pity cause they had cool stuff.  Regardless, the coat is suede and not waterproof in the least….so…I cut a whole in a trash bag and wore it home…I realize I must have either looked like a homeless person or just a complete freak walking around in a huge black garbage bag but I guess my emotional attachment to the coat is just more important to me than how I am perceived traveling home in the rain late at night on a Thursday.

Which all got me thinking…as solo train rides tend to do…my whole life is a series of protecting suede coats from the rain and suffering the consequences of not being cool.  I mean…I can’t begin to count the things that I have emotional attachment to…the people that I would protect…the sacrifices I would make to hold on to ideas and memories and feelings and crap that I don’t need and pain that I don’t need and struggle that I don’t want.

And then I got to thinking…if I had one day to decide what I was going to keep with me for the rest of my life and all of it had to fit in a suitcase would I even take anything…I mean I would take my books full of words but what good would they do me if I have already written them…that’s not growth.  And what would I do with all of my pictures?  Look at them and be reminded of who I used to be?  Old good times? 

What is it that is so terrifying about the future that makes me hold on to the past the way I do?  What is it that is so terrifying about being financially stable that makes me spend so much money on everyone but myself? 

It’s just a coat.  It’s a great coat and it fits me perfectly but it is just a coat.  There may even be a better coat at another thrift store but I wouldn’t know because I’m going to hold onto this one until it falls completely apart and then I’m going to put it in a box under my bed and when I die my grandchildren will toss it in the dumpster with all of the rest of the crap that I will continue to use as a growing heap of roadblocks to emotional stability, financial freedom and healthy relationships.

(she nears the end of her second cup of tea from her favorite amy LEGO mug which was given to her years ago buy a guy who she immediately dumped because he was totally infatuated with her and emotionally and financially stable)

i have to go to sleep.

i know i may sound a little nutty, i just have a lot on my plate.  i have over ten shows in the nest three weeks with me and my band and cockroach and a bunch of friends and it’s just all that in combination of some other stuff that I can’t tell you about.  i’m fine really…just need to slow down and unclutter.  maybe write some songs to clear some head space.

one last thing, speaking of songs….i randomly went to whiskey breath this week and I walked in completely oblivious that my friend bill from charleston was playing and damn, was I totally blown away by his music.  seriously.  i have always liked bill carson (and his checkerd past www.billcarson.biz)but now i am a big fan of him as a musician too.  you should check him and his band out…(they’re from my all time favorite band jump little children (www.jumphq.com)that you hear me rave about all the time).

i have way too many shows this month…hopefully I’ll see you at one.

love you

-a